by Jerry McKoog
Ever since I was a little boy I knew that I wanted to be a pirate when I grew up.
So when I turned eighteen I told my Mom & Dad that I was going out to join a pirate ship.
“Ok!” they agreed. They’re very supportive. “Have fun! Be careful!”
And then I ran off to the old port to find a pirate crew to join. I saw a mangy group of dirty men spitting on the dock beside an old ship with the jolly roger on its sail. I went to them and said, “Bring me to the captain! I want to join your pirate crew!”
“Har har har!” They all laughed. “Check out this tender little arse! We’ll see if he’s got what it takes! See if he can help us plunder some loot! Har har har!”
I climbed onto their ship so they could teach me how to be a pirate. We set sail, and I was so happy that I cried in front of them and they laughed at me. “I’m sorry for crying! I’m just so happy!”
We got drunk and they taught me how to clean a toilet and they told me tales of the sea-monsters they fought and all the women they’d slept with.
“Wow!” I cried. “I can’t wait to sleep with women and fight monsters!”
Then they all made crude and lude jokes, but I didn’t mind because it was just part of being a pirate.
The angry sea lashed its salty fingers against our brave hull and I looked eastward away from the setting sun. Where would this ship take me? I could only imagine the adventures we would have.
I spotted another boat and said, “Hey guys! Another boat! Maybe we can play a drinking game with them!”
The pirate captain had his whole face hidden behind a purple beard. The pirates all called him Purple Beard, or just Purp for short.
Purp shouted, “Yeah boys, we’ll play a drinking game… with their corpses! Har har har!”
Then we boarded the other boat and saw that it was a bunch of women on a pleasure-cruise. Their sailor-captain was the only man on the ship.
“Let’s steal all their stuff and rape the women!” Purp screamed, and everybody hooted and hollered. “You there! New kid! Jerry! You get first pick! Which of these fine young women do you want to rape?”
He waved his hand towards the beautiful, frightened girls and drool dripped out from somewhere in his beard.
“Well I’d like to get to know them first,” I said. “I don’t want to rape anybody. I just came on the ship for adventures. I didn’t want to rape anyone.”
“Har har har!” laughed the pirates. Then Purp said, “I suppose you don’t wanna murder nobody neither? Nor steal their loot?”
“No, none of that,” I said. “I just want to dig up buried treasure and fight sea-monsters!”
“Buried treasure!” Purp shouted and jumped in the air. “We’re the ones what buries the treasure in the first place! But we gotta steal the loot before we can bury it! And rape and murder just for fun!”
Now I was becoming depressed. “I don’t think I want to be a pirate anymore,” I said sulkily. “I quit! I want to go home!”
“Ah quit yer pissin’!” Purp shouted, and proceeded to fondle the women.
Then there was a rumbling and a great splash, and a giant serpet burst out of the water. Its emergence created splash waves that rocked the two boats and we had to grab the rails to keep from falling. We stared up at the serpent with wonder and fear, and the serpent gazed down at us with knowing eyes. He surveyed us, and he did not look pleased.
“Which of you is the greatest pirate ever to live?” The serpent’s voice was deep and authoritative.
“I am!” Purple Beard declared, shaking his fist in defiance and pride. “Who’s askin’?”
The serpent’s head flicked forward with lightening speed, picking Purp up in its mouth and then returning to its position over our heads. Slowly, it chewed on Purp’s wriggling body as Purp screamed in rage. Finally the serpent swallowed the pirate, and I could see the bulge of Purp’s body in the reptile’s throat.
“Now,” said the serpent. “Who is the second greatest pirate of all time?”
All the pirates pointed at me. “He is! Jerry! Yeah! He’s the greatest pirate ever!”
I shook my head. “No I’m not! Pirates are awful! I thought I was coming out here for fun and adventure! Not rape and theft! I already quit being a pirate!”
The serpent smiled and nodded his head. “I respect you, brave little man! So I will grant you three wishes! What are your wishes?”
I gave it a little thought and said, “First I want all these pirates to be turned into fair maidens. Then they’ll know what it’s like to be scared of pirates!”
The serpent blinked and all the pirates turned into beautiful women, wearing nothing but night-gowns.
“My second wish, is that I wish I had a million dollars!”
The serpent smiled. “A noble wish indeed! Here is a million dollars!” And all of a sudden a million dollars of bank-notes appeared in my knapsack. I could feel the weight and I looked inside to double check.
“Thirdly,” I pronounced, “I want a nation whose governance is based on the needs of its citizens, and indeed the citizens of all the world, with a system of laws that are fair and just, laws that prevent wrong-doing without interfering too much in the daily lives of the citizens! And everybody will pitch in some money for things like roads and schools and hospitals, and I will name that nation Canada!”
And the serpent granted my wish, and that is how the great nation of Canada came to exist.