Travel Blog: The Unconscious

by Shirley Mangle

So there I was, clumsily piloting a stolen space-helicopter toward Saturn’s moon Titan, when Hell slowly broke loose.

Firstly, I was daydreaming about the exotic landscape of the distant satellite. Using hi-tech equipment to see the landscape through the foggy atmosphere, my dream-self flew over poisonous oceans and sparkling mountains.

“Hello Shirley,” a deep voice said beside me, snapping me out of my reverie. I looked and saw a hulking Gorilla Bear sitting beside me wearing pink panties and a curly blonde wig. I always lose my composure around Gorilla Bears. No human man could ever be as hunky, nor human ravages as satisfying, as their Gorilla Bear counterparts.

“How did you get in here?” I squeaked, shaking the helicopter around in my nervousness.

“We cannot allow you to visit Saturn’s moon,” he said, but he was staring at my chest which was squeezed into my tight, red latex suit. “Nobody may visit.”

I was getting flustered. I almost felt like giving in, giving up on my important expedition for answers. But then I thought about the amazing travel-blog I could make about visiting Titan. I couldn’t give up on that opportunity.

“Fuck you, Gorilla Bear!” I yelled. “I’m going to visit Titan, whether you like it or not! What are you trying to hide?”

“I’ll show you,” my sexy visitor said. He reached into his panties and pulled out an old-style timepiece. He opened it. The hands ticked between jagged, alien numbers, making a sludgy sound with each tick.

I gasped. “An alien clock!”

“Time for alien hypnosis!” he said as I stared at the ticking hands, the clock swinging back and forth on its golden chain.

Suddenly I saw my own face in my peripheral vision. My peripheral face was mouthing words I couldn’t hear. I tried to read her lips (so luscious and inviting), but she stayed at the edge of my vision.

I felt my brain falling through a colourful space, turning to liquid, radiating and absorbing feelings and ideas as I achieved a two-way information link with the universe. I saw my arm float away and I tried to move it, but I could not. My body, my amazing body drifted away from me. I wanted to touch it and kiss it, but I could not.

The face of a Gorilla Bear appeared in the vivid sky and said, “Shirley Mangle, welcome to the magical world of nothingness. We have used our psycho-magic to pull your mind inside itself, where you are now trapped forever. You should have kept away from Titan!”

The face disappeared and I was left tumbling bodiless through my spectrum of pastel colours. Fear, joy, and excitement rose and fell like buoys on a chemical-emotional ocean wave. I saw my thoughts flowing forth from an invisible universe, felt my feelings as drug-shots from an unseen puppeteer from outside the cave (I am the cave and the puppeteer and the audience).

I could see nothing now except the inside of myself. No more body. So I just relaxed and let my mind drip down into itself. My sixth sense, a self-sense, sensing only itself with no further input.

So in the end I highly recommend taking a similar permanent trip inside your unconscious mind, unless you have things to do on Earth.

Goodbye forever!

Posted in Travel | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

God Created the Universe to Battle Other Universes

by Reverend Drugs

Each galaxy will be consumed by the intelligent life forms which grow within it. Each galaxy will form into an intelligent super-galaxy and they will all fight each other. The winners consume the losers until our entire universe is a super-warrior, built from all the galaxies combined!

Our super-warrior universe will travel through physics to combat other universes. Again, the winners consume the losers.

Each different kind of physics will have multiple universes, all fighting each other. Physics versus physics. There is an infinite variety of different physics, so the fighting goes on forever.

When the winners consume the losers they are also changed by them, so the entire infinite spectrum of universe-warriors is constantly changing and evolving as it consumes itself.

Posted in Apocalypse, Ideas & Opinions, Religion, Science | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Kidney Swap

by Kelsey McTetragrammaton

Are you looking for a new way to spice up your lovelife?

My wife and I used to go to swingers clubs and key parties, looking for new thrills and fancy excitement. But there’s a new fad that’s making sexual encounters seem blase.

We go to kidney parties now, where we pair-off with other couples to swap internal organs. If you think swapping body fluids is intimate, try swapping body parts!

Make sure you have a couple good surgeons and all the right equipment, but check your inhibitions at the door. Recreational heart-transplants are not for the… faint of heart. I’ve traded livers, kidneys, even bone segments! My wife has traded just as often. When I make love to her now, it’s like I’m having an orgy with five people in one! She once told me, “I wish you could feel how good you are in bed!” So we’re going to try brain-transplants next, for a totally new experience.

So if you get invited to one of these trendy new gatherings, I suggest you give it a whirl. Or maybe you want to start your own. Otherwise you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering, “What if?”

Posted in Romance, Self-Help | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Now Hiring!!

by Management

The Sick Blog of Lies is looking to expand its team as we venture forth into the ever-changing digital world.

Our team has two new positions available. We need one Zero-Gravity Choreographer, and we need one Priest.

Zero-Gravity Choreographer:

We need a dynamic individual who can take our complicated dance routines into orbit.

Necessary Qualifications:

-Degree in Advanced Aeronautics
-Fluent in English and Russian
-Professional experience as a choreographer
-Safety Shoes
-Drivers License
-Computer Savvy
-Heterosexual

Duties include cooking pasta, emptying ashtrays, cleaning up poop, reading bedtime stories, doing foot-massages, killing bad guys, and choreographing complex dance routines in outer-space.

Priest:

We’re looking for a pious, humble priest with a genuine concern for the spiritual well-being of our employees.

Necessary Qualifications:

-Must own a Bible
-Safety Shoes
-Well-versed in the occult and demon-numerology
-Preferably not Catholic
-Experience with Vampires an asset

Duties include performing exorcisms, marriages, witch-tests, witch-burnings, killing bad guys, cooking pasta, documenting the spiritual growth of other employees, forging deals with other-worldly beings, exploring magical phenomena, gleaning insight into hidden aspects of the world and documenting those discoveries for the benefit of the Sick Blog of Lies, answering mysterious questions from mysterious people, performing funerals, over-seeing cardgames, drawing pictures.

For anybody interesting in one of these exciting careers, submit a resume, cover-letter and essay to the address listed below. The cover-letter must explain why you want to join our team, and why we should hire you. The essay must either be about wine, wine-tasting, golf, or Halloween.

Submit to: oegnrn@9htijrt9t9th.xmr

Posted in Letters to the Editors, Money and Business, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

First Men to Mars

by Nicholas Whistletooth

My tech company made some badass spaceships and I wanted to send some top-notch space-pilots to check out Mars. But I was afraid that the pilots would go crazy during the long flight. Go crazy and murder each other, or build a robot army in space.

So I called my brother and said, “Bro! I need pilots who can hang out in space for a few years without going nuts. Who can handle long periods of boring shit?”

My bro said, “Dude! Stoners just hang out and do nothing all day! Plus, Buddhists and monks just meditate and chant! And plus, maybe you could get some pilots who are already crazy! Can’t hurt em now, right? Put em to good use! Put the crazy fuckers to work!”

So I hired a few monks, a few pot-heads, and some schizophrenic young men. I sent them to pilot school, and I told them what had to be done.

One of the stoners said, “Dude! No chicks? Man, get us some hookers or something.”

So I hired some hookers for the three-year trip. There were some drug addicts among the hookers, so I provided some drugs for the trip. Don’t want them going through withdrawal in space!

So anyway they took off this morning. The launch was awesome. Can’t wait to see how my crew performs on the mission.

Posted in Money and Business, Science, Travel | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

You’ll Be Resurrected

By The Delerious Advertisement Agency

Dear Reader:

I regret to inform you that you’ve been mauled to death by a rabid gorilla-bear. Your death was horrifying, violent, and humiliating.

Luckily the paramedics were able to upload your brain-scan into our cloud storage servers. You’re in digital limbo.

Now you’re in queue for biological resurrection, and we’re ready to make a new body for you (“re-spawning,” for you gamer nerds out there LoL). Of course, we’re not legally allowed to resurrect you without your explicit permission. And we’re legally obliged to make some things clear to you.

We’re obliged to explain that our resurrection-bodies are not regular human bodies. They’re genetically enhanced! Which is totally awesome, right?

For example, you’ll be built with a constant craving for hamburgers. Nothing else will satisfy your hunger, except for the juicy burgers produced by our clients. As an advertising agency we try to create demand for our clients’ products. And you have to admit that the resurrection program is a delicious way to save lives!

Secondly, you’ll have a constant craving for cigarettes. Don’t worry though, they won’t cause cancer. In fact, smoking cigarettes will be the only way to avoid cancer! Let me clarify: we’ve designed your new body so it will develop cancer if you don’t smoke our clients’ cigarettes.

Thirdly, you will be required to do twenty hours of community service for our clients every week. Community service means things like working as a cashier at our clients’ retail outlets, or working on a production line at our clients’ factories. It’s a small price to pay for being alive, right?

Aside from those things you’ll have a pretty normal life. Of course, you’ll pass on your genetic enhancements to your kids. It’s called evolution. It’s a good thing!

Now you have to decide: do you want these enhancements or not?

You’re totally allowed to say NO to these upgrades, in which case your file will simply be deleted and you’ll be dead forever.

Do you agree to the terms and conditions of your resurrection?

YES

NO

Posted in A Message from our Sponsors, Money and Business, Murder, Self-Help | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Salt & Pepper Cause Diseases

by Morris Less

International researchers have uncovered alarming new information about the world’s favourite seasonings. Salt and pepper have been linked to a variety of life-threatening diseases, such as male pattern baldness and RBS (Random Boner Syndrome).

In a recent interview with the press, the primary researcher, Phil Appleby from Bangor, Maine, USA stated, “You would be surprised at the connection we found between people who have diseases and people who have used either salt or pepper. When salt is combined with pepper the results can be deadly.”

The study was performed by phoning people and asking them first if they had a deadly disease. If they answered in the affirmative, then the interview proceeded. The interviewees were then asked if they had ever used salt and pepper. 100% of the people interviewed said that they had experimented with salt and pepper at some point in their lives.

“The thing about salt and pepper is that people think of them as vitamins!” said the secondary researcher, Bill Appleby, from Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada. “But they are most certainly not vitamins! The very idea is ludicrous!”

Strong words from these two international researchers concerning salt and pepper, which until now have been widely recognized as essential nutrients in our daily lives. This reporter, for one, will be seasoning his meals with a little bit of caution and common sense.

Posted in Recipes, Science | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment